Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more greateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.
Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do.
Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.
When it is cold and wet please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements. And I ask no greater glory then the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth. Though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshiper.
Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry. I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready,willing and able to protect you with my life should your life be in danger and beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest.
And I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.
Pekingese x Lhasa Apso = PEEKASSO, an abstract dog.
Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = PYRADACHS, a puzzling breed.
Pekingese x Dachshund = PEKING DACH, owned by Chinese restauranteurs.
Kerry Blue Terrier x Bloodhound = BLUEBLOOD, a favorite of high society.
Poodle x Great Pyrenees = POOPYREE, a dog that smells good.
Pointer x Setter = POINTSETTER, a traditional Christmas pet.
Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = IRISH SPRINGER, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = BLUE SKYE, a dog for optimists.
Smooth Fox Terrier x Chow Chow = SMOOCH, a dog who loves to kiss.
Airedale x Spaniel = AIRIEL, a dog that brings in good TV reception.
Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = LAB COAT RETRIEVER, the choice for research scientists.
Newfoundland x Basset Hound = NEWFOUND ASSET HOUND, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier x Bulldog = TERRIBULL, a dog that always makes mistakes.
Keeshound x Setter = KEESTER, you can't get this dog off it's duff.
Bloodhound x Labrador = BLABADOR, a dog that barks a lot.
Chihuahua x Whippet = CHIAPET, order from TV ad, 3 for $19.95.
Boxer x German Shepherd = BOXER SHORTS, a dog never seen in public.
Basenji x Schipperke = BASERKE, a dog that's mad about its owner.
Malamute x Pointer = MOOT POINT, owned by........... oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie x Malamute = COMMUTE, a dog that lives on the subway.
Deerhound x Terrier = DERRIERE, a dog that's true to the end.
Wiener Dog x Rottweiler = BRATWEILER, a German dog found at the snack bars at sporting events...
Akita x Shiba Inu = SHIKITA, a bright yellow, banana-shaped dog
Pyrenees x Akita = PYRAKITA, a small brightly-colored South American dog that can be finger-trained, as well as trained to talk
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Tide - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and a total lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength and intelligence. Capitalize on those advantages by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply plastic shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have an unhappy cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J. C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.
If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho - ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him."
The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."